I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
