filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
sarcasm needs its own font
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
