The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize