fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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