You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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