I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize