you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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