i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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