remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize