you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
