I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
