I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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