Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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