i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
