Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
