It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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