Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
