my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
