She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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