went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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