advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
