Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
