dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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