hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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