The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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