My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize