then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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