On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
