My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
