from now on my penis is your penis
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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