HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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