I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize