I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
