I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
