woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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