He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize