Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
