I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
