if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
