i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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