I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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