How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
