Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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