i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
