If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
True strength comes from lack of pants
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
