Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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