first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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