who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
