question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
