Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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