ADVERTISEMENT

• (310): View more from California

  just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.

  (310): View more from California

  now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!

  (310): View more from California

  whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?

  Fav 9 879 4962

  share tweet
  

• (951): View more from California

  better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

  Fav 14 6390 1109

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (614): View more from Ohio

  i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone

  Fav 25 6753 1078

  share tweet
  

• (734): View more from Michigan

  Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

  Fav 35 5978 2656

  share tweet
  

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery

  Fav 4 3075 1183

  share tweet
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.

  Fav 1 864 2711

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (512): View more from Texas

  Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

  Fav 7 3254 1119

  share tweet
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.

  Fav 2 2467 1549

  share tweet
  

• (503): View more from Oregon

  Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

  Fav 12 2820 928

  share tweet
  

• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend

  Fav 3 894 594

  share tweet
  

• (626): View more from California

  So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?

  Fav 8 843 2517

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (248): View more from Michigan

  Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions

  Fav 2 283 177

  share tweet
  

• (519): View more from Ontario

  You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs

  Fav 1 32 16

  share tweet
  

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?

  Fav 0 41 6

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (615): View more from Tennessee

  He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.

  Fav 0 48 9

  share tweet
  

Randomize