Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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