tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
