here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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