I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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