Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
