How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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