swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
