Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
