my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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