Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
