Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
