My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
